In My Head

Chapter 1

notsojadedanymore — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:25:23 +0000

It is 5:30 in the morning on September 24th 2009. I had this crazy idea to begin writing a book I was not sure what I wanted to write about until now.

I can’t sleep, for I can not handle the excitement of the journey that I am about to embark on, and I needed to get it down on paper before this whimsy of an idea leaves my head. I am baffled; when I began writing this book I had no where to start – no beginning or end. But now destiny has taken the reigns, and the book is writing itself. The last thing I wrote last night was that I was going to start from the beginning, and that is just what I will do. Only this time, I have a plan. The other day he said something to me: “When god closes one door, he opens a window.” I really did not understand what he meant by that but now I do. For it is not god that he was talking about; it was a little thing called destiny.
Something happened to me recently. I fell under the influence of drugs and I began to evaluate my life. That is when it all began. Who knew that drugs could do so well for some people when we are taught as children they are so very bad? I have since learned that you can not always listen to the rules or advice that people give, for that is how we evolve as human beings and become a better society. The whole ‘god closing windows and opening doors’ conversation took place – that is what I am getting to – and by the end of this chapter you will have a better understanding of where I am going with my writing, as I do not want to spoil the surprise yet.

So, back to destiny. We were having a conversation about a dog of ours that passed away from lung fibrosis. When we had to put her down, I was devastated. When the tears subsided, it was around Saint Patrick’s Day 2009. That is when I was looking on Craigslist just to “see” if anything caught my interest, and something did just that. I saw an ad for peek-a-poo puppies… ugly dogs I know, but that was beside the point; I had this gut feeling to look further into it. So, I talked to “him”, the man I love, and he agreed that it may be a good idea. So he sent an inquiry to the women who posted the ad, and a little while later we received a phone call. That was it, my heart fluttered with excitement. Even though my heart was broken from the passing of our beloved bean, I was about to receive a new bundle of joy: Pattie.

We had no information on her, just that the woman would be holding this dog for us until we could make it there to pick it up. We drove for what seemed to be an eternity only, to arrive at a very nice area – not too far from the beach – around Reddington Shores, as I recall. It was dark; probably around 8:30 at night, so I do not remember the area to much because of the darkness. We parked a block away and I made him go to the house alone. (I get nervous around people. It is like I got scared that they would not like me, and I did not want to risk them not giving us this puppy that I was so excited to get. For so long my life has been nothing but let downs as you will later read, crazy I know, but you will understand that as you get to know me better.) So we parked at a church down the block and I sent him on his way to go get this gift. I remember him saying, “How will I know if it is the right one?” I muttered something with bad attitude along the lines of, “You will just know.” He looked at me with confusion on his face and said once again “Elmer, How will I know?” I just simply replied again, “You will just know, now go get the damn dog”.

I sat in darkness for an hour in the hot Florida heat. Finally, a shadow emerged from the palm trees into the parking lot, with a bag of food under one hand and something else in the other. I could not bear the excitement any longer. I got out of the car and without much thought I said, “Do you love it?”, and with tears in his eyes he nodded his head in joy. My heart filled with excitement and nerves, I snatched this small creature up and that is when I realized it: Perfection!

This was not some ordinary dog, for this is the dog that was replacing the Bean that was so dear to our heart. It was only some time later that I realized Bean was not really being replaced; it was me as a human being grieving and growing in my own way. When all the thoughts and jumbled mess inside my head finally stopped, and I had a chance to turn my feelings into words, the only thing that I could say was: “Oh my god”. (No, it was not a bad ‘oh my god’, it was a good one.)

This dog that I received on Saint Patrick’s Day 2009 was not an ordinary dog; that is where destiny came into play. I had not realized that at the moment, but now I do in this moment of clarity. I knew that there was something bizarre then but I couldn’t explain what, and now I know why and one day you will know as well.

This dog had one brown eye and one blue eye. Her left eye was blue and her right eye was brown. My eyes are brown and the man I love’s eyes are blue. ‘Could this really be true?’, I thought, but just wait, it gets better. As children, destiny plays a role in our lives. We never understand what it is, and for the most part it goes unnoticed; however it is always there working in mysterious ways. One of those ways is one which we use in every-day life to function. It is a skill that I am using to at this very moment and you to will use many hundreds of thousands of times in your life. This skill is writing of course. Dumb I know but here is where you need to pay attention: I write with my right hand and the man who loves me writes with his left hand. My eyes are brown his eyes are blue, and if you have not put two and two together than by golly I am about to do it for you because I cannot stand it anymore!

Back to where I began: this morning, this destiny hit me again, as I have just figured out through this crazy mess of a day. What I am about to say will probably sound strange, but when I am finished, it will all make sense and you will realize why I had just told you the story that I did. So here it goes. I hope my words come out right, but if not it is okay, for the man I love will fix them for me.

About an hour ago a light bulb went on inside of my head. It is a cliché term I know, but I swear if our bodies made noise than it would have sounded like an oven timer: bing went the timer! I sat up with my eyes bulging out of my head and suddenly everything made sense. This book I am writing is controlled by destiny: it is lifting my hand and coursing it into gestures, making contact with the paper, leaving symbols in my hand’s wake. I know you think this sounds crazy -and it is crazy to me – but in the end it will all come together, I promise.

The man I love is no longer the man I love, for he is the man that loves us, for this book is no longer being written to random people, but it is being written to you and to anyone who wants to embark upon this journey with us. Finally I can say it. Brace your self and turn the page.

Chapter 1, continuted

notsojadedanymore — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:27:28 +0000

From this point on, you will no longer be considered as you. For you are the child that is about to come into our lives: a child that has not yet been born. Now I can begin planning your arrival. Throughout the rest of this book destiny will be taking the reigns again on a daily basis up until your arrival; for the last couple of weeks I thought was going insane. Now I understand, I was not going insane for I was just nesting, preparing myself for the new journey that I was about to embark upon.

So in a frenzy, I woke the man I love at around 3:00 a.m. because I could not hold it inside of me any longer and I said, “Daddy I need you to wake up. I have something to tell you – well, more along the lines of ask you – but I need you to promise that you will not get upset”. Why would he get upset you ask yourself, and that is a good question but someday you will understand when you have children of your own. I was scared he would say no, or laugh at me, or something else but that is just me and the twisted soul that lives within. So I asked him, “Daddy I want to have a baby right now, I want to find the person who will give us this gift and I want to ask them if they will do it, and I know it sounds crazy but I know someone will be there willing to help, for this is the gift that I have longed for all my life and never knew it.” And you know what he said to me? He said, “I love you so much and I have been waiting all my life for someone to say those words to me.”

So from now on he will no longer be going as the man I love. For he is the man that loves us; the man who you will someday call: Daddy.

Starting tonight I am going to begin a new process. I am going to plant seeds where they need to be planted and let destiny do the rest, but I will make sure that it will happen soon for I cannot wait any longer; my clock is ticking. I am going to write down and put together a book of the processes, trials, and tribulations of this new endeavor. I am not really sure how this will go, but I will make it work. At the end of this you, my child, the being that I have longed for all my life, will be here in my arms. For the first time in my life I have a plan, and your daddy and I will be waiting for you. At the end of this book, a child will be born and destiny will close the door of my past and open up the window to father hood. This soul is no longer twisted, and who knew that you are the medicine and the drug that I have longed for all my life. It is time now to gather my thoughts and further my writing. Until next time my child; I love you, sweet dreams, and godspeed little one. Your daddy and I are waiting for you, and can not bear the anticipation.

Prologue

notsojadedanymore — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:24:03 +0000

He told me I should write. I already know what you are thinking and no, it is not god or some higher power or even the voices in my head; I haven’t succumbed to that bullshit. I will get to all that fucked up nonsense later in my writing. So who is he, you ask? He is the man I love, and the man that loves me; who has torn the jaded layers of singed wrapping paper that have protected my tortured soul and broken heart and mind for so many years. We will leave it at that. I am sure you are asking yourselves if “he” is so important, why can I not give him a name; why would I refer to him as something so miniscule as the term “he”? I am going to call him “he” to protect his identity, because even to this day I live in fear that he will be taken from me. It sounds crazy I know, but by the end of this you will hopefully have a better understanding of me and the fears and demons that lye within my head. Together we will battle them; for they have no control over me any more. What you are about to read may not make sense or may come across as strange, twisted, or probably even a little weird; but when you stop and think about it, is that not what we all are… a little strange and twisted? But that is what makes us, us. Throughout my writing, I will be willing to take criticism and advice because with age that is what I have realized helps us as individuals grow. I will be doing my best to respond as I feel necessary; I need you to understand that there are no “right” or “wrong” things that can be said because they are all just thoughts and stories in my head. They’re opinions; and from my understanding, society is so quick to judge and put down, but not to me anymore. I will not take the negativity; for I have done that for so long.
My writing will be probably be abnormal – maybe strange to some – and will most likely be lacking in grammar, but will always be myself. If any of this sounds like it may bother or not interest you, then do us both a favor and stop now. I do not want the negativity because I have started the process of getting rid of those burdens in my life and mind. My writing will be like a living diary, tapping into a portion of brain and memory that for most goes untouched: like the dust that gathers on top of a giant bookshelf that someone with vertigo has neglected to clean, as that would require them to face their fears, their “inner demons,” for lack of better words. Well I am not scared anymore. The demons have no more control over me and I am on the top of the ladder with the dusting spray; however, my weapon of choice are my words. It’s spring cleaning time bitches and if you are willing to read this than I have no problem sharing my life with you; for my life is an open book and I have kicked the last skeleton out.
It will be a daily thing every day once I get my things done that I need to get done. I will sit down and write about my life starting from my past, and working to where I am now. I am not sure how long this will take and it probably will not make sense or may confuse you, but at the end of this we will all have some closure and understanding because for you this is just something that you are reading. Call it a book or a novel, maybe poetry, sometimes a song… call it what you will but at the end of the day, it is my life; my memories – some real, some embellished – leave it to your imagination for that is all we are right, storytellers?
I will be changing my name to protect myself along with everyone else in my life. While it may seem like a story to some, understand this it is all real and really did to the best of my knowledge take place. From this point on I will be going as Elmer. I have chosen the name Elmer because once when I was a child I decided that I would tell everyone that that was my name. Not because I did not like my name or was I trying to live another life, but for some reason that is just what felt “right”. The name Elmer is not something I pulled out of my ass or discovered on a cartoon as a child; for Elmer was the dog that I received as a pet on my first birthday. I will cover that story later as it comes up. Right now I just want to set you all up and help you understand what you will be reading so than I am able to start this journey, and for lack of better words, begin cleaning out my closet. If ever you feel lost or confused, feel free to send a comment and I will be more than willing to catch you up.
I also want to thank all of you for reading. I know how busy life can be out there, but if you can put your lives aside and take a few moments each day to read, I think you will be pleased and might find yourself beginning to like what you read, and you may even learn some things about your self or spark some memories that have gone untouched for quit some time. So without rambling any further I think I am going to begin, and there is no better place to start than from the beginning.

He told me I should write. I already know what you are thinking and no, it is not god or some higher power or even the voices in my head; I haven’t succumbed to that bullshit…. I will get to all that fucked up nonsense later in my writing. So who is he, you ask?… He is the man I love ~~the man~~, and the man that loves me; who has torn the jaded layers of singed wrapping paper that have protected my tortured soul and broken heart and mind for so many years. We will leave it at that. I am sure you are asking yourselves if “he” is so important, why can I not give him a name; why would I refer to him as something so miniscule as the term “he”,? ~~but~~ I am going to call him “he” to protect his identity, because even to this day I live in fear that he will be taken from me. It sounds crazy I know, but by the end of this you will hopefully have a better understanding of me and the fears and demons that lye within my head. tTogether we will battle them; for they have no control over me any more. What you are about to read may not make sense or may come across as strange, or twisted, or probably even a little weird; but when you stop and think about it, is that not what we all are… a little strange and twisted?, Bbut that is what makes us, us. Throughout my writing, I will be willing to take criticism and advice because with age that is what I have realized helps us as individuals grow. ~~and~~ I will be doing my best to responded as I feel necessary,; I need you to understand that there are no “right” or “wrong” things that can be said because they are all just thoughts and stories in my ~~head just…~~head. They’re opinions; and from my understanding,s society is so quick to judge and put down, but not to me anymore. ~~because~~ I will not take the negativity; for I have done that for so long.

My writing will be probably be abnormal - maybe ~~to some~~ strange to some - and will most likely be lacking in grammar, but will always be myself. If any of this sounds like it may bother or not interest you, then do us both a favor and stop now. ~~because~~ I do not want the negativity ~~in my life~~ because I have started the process of getting rid of those burdens in my life and mind. My writing will be like a living diary, tapping into a portion of brain and memory that for most goes untouched:, like the dust that gathers on top of a giant bookshelf that someone with vertigo has neglected to clean, ~~because~~ as that would require them to face their fears, their “inner demons,” for lack of better words. Well I am not scared anymore. Tthe demons have no more control over me and I am on the top of the ladder with the dusting spray; however, my ~~y… W~~weapon of choice; are my words. It’s spring cleaning time bitches and if you are willing to read this than I have no problem sharing my life with you; for my life is an open book and I have kicked the last ~~Skeleton~~ skeleton out.

It will be a daily thing every day once I get my things done that I need to get done. I will sit down and write about my life starting from my past, and working to where I am now.… I am not sure how long this will take and it probably will not make sense or may confuse you, but at the end of this we will all of have some closure and understanding because for you this is just something that you are reading. Ccall it a book or a novel, maybe poetry, sometimes a song… call it what you will but at the end of the day, it is my life;, my memories, – some real, some embellished - leave it to your imagination for that is all we are right,… storytellers?

I will be changing my name to protect myself along with everyone else in my life.~~, because my life~~ While it may seem like a story to some, ~~but~~ understand this it is all real and really did to the best of my knowledge take place. From this point on I will be going as Elmer. I have chosen the name Elmer because once when I was a child I decided that I would tell everyone that that was my name., nNot because I did not like my name or was I trying to live another life, but for some reason that is just what felt~~… “Right~~ “right”. The name Elmer is not something I pulled out of my ass or discovered on a cartoon as a child, ; for Elmer was the dog that I received as a pet on my first birthday. I will cover that story later as it comes up. Right now I just want to set you all up and help you understand what you will be reading so than I am able to start this journey, ~~for~~ and for lack of better words, begin cleaning out my closet. If ever you feel lost or confused, feel free to send a comment and I will be more than willing to catch you up.

I also want to thank all of you for reading., I know how busy life can be out there, but if you can put your lives aside and take a few moments each day to read, I think you will be pleased and might find yourself beginning to like what you read, and you may even learn some things about your self or spark some memories that have gone untouched for quit some time. So without rambling any further I think I am going to begin, and there is no better place to start than from the beginning.

Dear Mother

notsojadedanymore — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:44:25 +0000

From the moment

I was born I felt

I could do no right.

You scolded me

even through your hind sight,

Like a bruise you

cannot see is

what you are to me.

You make me feel like a horrible person

even though I am a

great person

I need you to

take that burden off

of me.

my head hurts it prevents me from sleep.

You dumb bitch you made me weep.

Not anymore you cannot

do.

From now on I am through.

You are the fly beneath my swatter; you are done.

You have hurt me for the last time.

For I have found the love that I have yearned for all my life

He makes me happy and proves to me that you are not something that I want to

associate with.

I am okay now though

for I am not jaded anymore

for the first time my eyes are open and

I feel

good!

I am letting you go.

Drift away as you may for the torture in my brain is over.

now I can rest and start my family

Dear mother why did you do this to me?